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the contemplative diva

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the contemplative diva

Category Archives: Vocation

Midrash

16 Thursday Apr 2020

Posted by thecontemplativediva in #prayer, Contemplative Thought, Femininity, Mystic, Spirituality, Vocation, Women's Thought

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Adam Eve leave the garden_Lucien Saul

Adam and Eve Leaving the Garden by Haitian artist Lucien Saul

 

This week I began a retreat facilitated by a woman in Ireland who has an on-line abbey focused on transformative living through contemplative and expressive arts. For the next 8 weeks, I’ll be on a pilgrim journey with what appears to be about 100 other monastic souls from all over the world.

One of the creative practices we are invited to explore in this retreat is the ancient Jewish practice of Midrash a form of storytelling Rabbis used to fill in the gaps (so to speak) of inconsistencies found in scripture. Apparently, this became an important component of Jewish literature.

In Judaism, scripture is sometimes described as black fire on white fire. Black fire is the words on the page. Midrash illuminates the white fire, the spaces between the words that are written. Through midrash we explore the gaps in the story, the missing voices, the silences, the wondering that is sparked.

One of our assignments this week was to write Midrash based on Adam and Eve being expelled from the Garden of Eden. Genesis 3:23-24 says, “therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from which he was taken. He drove out the man; and at the east of the garden of Eden he placed the cherubim, and a sword flaming and turning to guard the way to the tree of life.”

According to Christine Valters-Painter, Adam and Eve were the first pilgrims. Set out on a journey. Sent by God. The first to answer the call.

Here is my Midrash based on the reading:

Where dost Thou send me?

Forth unto what, where, whom? With this stranger beside me who somewhere in the depths of my virgin soul I know. Or have always known. But a stranger still.

Sent from the only place these eyes have known. Though in truth, Eden never felt like Home.

No. It is darker where I remember Home.

Empty. Absent. Void.

And at its center a beam. That constantly drew me. I was in perpetual motion. Endless acceleration. Propelled.

Like to this beam I belonged. It warmed me.

Like these flames now, meant to keep me from this garden.

But I know. I know. No matter where we go. In those flames is where I belong. They will draw me back Home.

Like a lighthouse for my soul.

Yea, now I am being sent. Set out on this mission. Meant to fill this foreign place with objects of your love.

History will not tell this version.

Nay, they will say I left you. Heartbroken. They will plot the narrative of redemption. Surely, surely my sons and daughters will lose the way.

Until a beam you will send. A map for the soul. Plunged into darkness. An empty womb. Then they will remember what Mother always knew.

So, farewell Eden.

You rest stop. Halfway house. Trailer of mistaken affection.

Home was always before you.

Now since I must, let me delight in this creation. With all its make do’s and grandiose trifles.

Thou hast chosen well the one to send. I shall mock this earthly substitute. I shall remember that I Am.

Cherubims and flaming swords cannot keep Love from Itself.

Pitiful guards when my ancestors are stardust, fire and ice.

 

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wounded ambition

03 Monday Apr 2017

Posted by thecontemplativediva in #prayer, Femininity, Healing, Motivational thought, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Vocation, Women's Thought

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Their Eyes Were Watching God by Rhonda Gray

Our wounds can come to shape our ambitions. If you’ve suffered abuse, rejection, or neglect; when your worth and your identity has been threatened, you may be driven by a desire to prove your worth to yourself and others.

But “success” for approvals sake is a dangerous, arduous, and ultimately fruitless undertaking. The desire for approval is a deceptive motivator because by its energy you may in fact accomplish much, while never arriving at true fulfillment, inner peace or joy. For those on a healing journey, as inner trauma is released, we may notice our desires and ambitions begin to shift. Our definitions of success change. Let them.

The path of healing for the wounded ambition is the way of humility. And for the very wounded, who by nature of their trauma become the very proud, the journey can be hard and long.

So begin. And begin again.

Be gentle and patient with yourself.

Pride is stubborn and tough, like snake skin. But it sheds. Layer by layer.

What causes it to shed? Surrender, surrender, surrender. And submission. Submitting to a Power great than oneself. Because contrary to the wounded cry of selfish-ambition, You are not in this alone… You are not the master of your own fate. You are not the sole arbiter of your destiny.

You are one in the company of many, in the fellowship of a great I AM.

You are not even YOU at all.

 

an Epiphany

05 Tuesday Jan 2016

Posted by thecontemplativediva in Decision making, Motivational thought, Spirituality, Vocation

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According to some tradition, Christmas isn’t over yet. Today is the 11th day of Christmas. That song…”on the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…” wasn’t just a randomly written folk song. In the orthodox liturgical calendar there are technically 12 days of Christmas – the first being Christmas day which is widely celebrated religiously, culturally, and commercially. The last day, the 12th day, marks the beginning of a liturgical season called Epiphany. In the greek language, the word epiphany means to reveal, to show, or to make manifest.

I love this word epiphany. Webster’s dictionary defines it as: a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. It’s a striking definition considering I often spend a lot of time seeking or trying to gain insight into things. I love to read and research. I love to ponder things and contemplate life. Those who know me and spend time with me know me as someone who you’re not likely to have a casual conversation with. I’m always looking underneath the surface of things.

Lately, I’ve been reading a book about vocation, by Parker Palmer.  In Let Your Life Speak, Palmer writes, “If we are to live our lives fully and well, we must learn to embrace the opposites, to live in a creative tension between our limits and our potentials.” In my reading and reflection of his writing, and in examining my own gifts and vocation, I’ve come to terms with aspects of myself in ways that are both disturbing and relieving. I think we can spend a great deal of time trying to be things we are not. Or avoiding being who we are because of the limitations our gifts place upon us.

In my younger years, I was pretty much the same kind of girl I am now…I liked to read and write. I was quiet and focused. Sure, I had playful moments. I loved all the usual kid stuff…swimming, skateboarding, sledding, riding bikes…and I played just about every sport until I finally gave up softball in college. But if you put me in the house with a stack of books, I was good to go. I wasn’t a restless child, I didn’t need much company (well, I had three sisters so that was often enough!). My point is, in digging for “Who I am”…I’ve really just rediscovered who I’ve always been…. a writer. To write, requires one to sit still and focus on getting what’s in your head out onto paper…or the screen (as I’m doing now). To write also requires one to be comfortable with feeling stuck, and this odd feeling of nothingness that comes upon you. It’s akin to feeling, well, bored! But it’s in boredom’s finest moment that the muse shows up. Full of ideas. That emptying of yourself, and resisting the urge to fill the emptiness with some activity, gives my imagination the endless opportunity it desires to be filled. I know how to hold space, be present, make like a container and get filled.

So yay! I’m a writer. Vocational life crisis solved, right? Psssh. Except…coming to terms with oneself usually always means coming to terms with one’s whole self. My vocation is writing, and with it all the other mundane things I mentioned I’m really good at – being still, feeling empty, getting bored. And then new crisis emerges because none of this sounds like fun. Unless I shift my perspective and define fun based on what gives me pleasure, rather than what brings someone else pleasure.

And herein lies the Epiphany. Coming to terms with our gifts and our limitations may not always be a pleasant experience. Especially for those of us who pride ourselves in our ability to do anything or be anything. Though I often procrastinate and make excuses (would I truly be a writer if I didn’t?;) I typically do not like saying, “I can’t” do something. I like being capable and accomplished. I’m rewarded when I am able to perform tasks. And naturally, I love to be rewarded. Who doesn’t? But to get to the bottom of who we truly are, and what we are born to be and do in this world, we will have to come face to face with who we cannot be in this world. At first this meeting feels like defeat…but it passes. Like a dense fog lifting and then suddenly you see you are standing in the middle of a beautiful lavender field at sunset…sky above you stretching for miles…

Best-Time-To-Visit-Lavender-Fields-In-France1

You’ve been standing in this field your entire life. You just didn’t realize it.

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